I thought today would be like any other.
I didn’t get up until about 11:30 or so, and I felt very ill. Even worse than I did when I went to sleep. I got out of bed, went straight to the bathroom, and sat on the floor all day. I couldn’t leave. If I moved, I felt sick to my stomach, so I just stayed put. So I got a little behind on life by a day, but I could pick it back up tomorrow, and everything would go back to the way it was. At least, that’s what I thought until I got off of the phone with my dad a little while ago.
Back in March, everything seemed perfect. My family was happy, and we were all doing well. Everyone constantly wore a smile. My house seemed to be constantly filled with joy. My dad and I didn’t really speak much. It wasn’t that we shared a dislike toward one another, we just didn’t really have anything to talk about, as weird as that sounds. I was really close to my mom. Really close. Like, mama’s boy close. But it didn’t matter. I loved both of my parents equally. I made sure to bend over backwards for them. I would do anything for them.
So I was more than surprised when they sat me down to tell me they wanted to separate. i was even more shocked to find out that this perfect life I was living in, wasn’t so perfect at all. It was the first thing they told me, and as soon as they had done so, I blanked out. A million things started running through my mind. Because I was their only child, and I loved them as much as I did, it was my job to keep them together. They were perfect for one another, and instead of throwing it all away, I had to help them realize all they needed to do was tweak their relationship a little bit, and all would be well. Then we’d be a happy, perfect family again.
Everything happened so faster after the news had reached me. My mom was quick to pack up every single one of her things, and return to her birthplace in London, to the same cottage she grew up in. She promised me she wasn’t leaving for forever, she just needed to be around comfort. That hurt.
I was stuck with my dad, in this house that now seemed bigger and was much, much emptier. I made an effort to speak to him more, but it seemed the only thing that would come out was, “Go get mom”. He wouldn’t oblige. It drove me crazy. If he wouldn’t go get her, then fine. I’d go get her myself. So I went to London. She was a little more relinquent when she saw how sad it was making me, so she made an effort to talk it over with my dad. They were talking more and more, and it seems like things are getting better.
Then a little while ago, my dad calls me to tell me they’re getting a divorce. Today also coincidentally happens to be my moms birthday. Things weren’t getting better. They were going back and forth, deciding how to go about this without me thinking it’s not a bad thing. How is this not a bad thing?
So now, I can’t help but to sit and think about how I’ve failed as a son. I’m supposed to be the glue that keeps them together, am I not? I’m trying to keep it all together, but at the same time I just feel so empty and I realize that’s extremely selfish. I’m the kind of person who can not stand to see people upset. I feel like it’s my job to make them feel better, or smile at least. For the past 19 years, I’ve been totally useful, but now I feel totally useless.
/ramble
Don’t you ever fucking think that this is your fault Christopher-Bradley Channing. You know very well that you are the perfect son and you are a fucking amazing person. There was nothing that you could have done to keep them together. It wasn’t your responsibility. People just fall out of love with each other. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or that they don’t care for each other. They just don’t want to be married anymore. It happens. It isn’t anyones fault. It would be wrong for them to stay together. I love you….and you need to come and visit me.
